I totally freaked out

I’m still struggling with my will-power, big time, we are working on this with my therapist and from time to time (about every second day) I freak out that I’m weak, I cannot follow the diet and start hating myself for my weakness. I really want to get better and I don’t know why, but I cannot change. I don’t understand myself. Every day is a bit better then  suddenly I “binge” with the forbidden food. Not a huge amount, the problem is not with the calories or anything like that but with the quantity. Why should I torture myself with wheat products? With dairy stuff? Why? Laziness? Weakness? Do I choose the easiest way? Is it just because I’m disorganised and cannot plan my meals, my breaks when I can prepare food. I’m always in a hurry, I want to do everything quickly and proper eating needs time. And I often find myself eating stupid – but quick – unhealthy stuff.

I freaked out on Monday again. I asked for help in a facebook group. I didn’t even know what to ask, what I expect from them, I just shouted that I need help. I don’t even know why… but nowadays I feel that there are many things that I cannot do alone, I need someone’s help. For many years I was the exact opposite, I was too independent, too stupid to ask for help, very stubborn and I wanted to do everything alone. And now? I can’t do anything alone. I’m waiting for other’s help. Nutritionist, doctors’ diagnosis, friends’ support, cooking tips, everything…

I cannot do the transition from semi-unhealthy semi-meat-eater to a healthy, plant-based and gluten-free diet.

I fear the change. That’s my realisation. Fuck.

I had this freaking-out session on Monday, too.

I didn’t have questions but I got answers 🙂 I got some tips, I read some encouraging thoughts and… and even there were some half sentences that made me think.

If you can afford, go to VeganLove and get yourself a mexican burger to celebrate the change. 

I realised that one of my biggest problems is that I look at this change as a burden, as a new source of stress, although I should celebrate the change. I should celebrate the possibility for a change. That this change can bring me health, better skin and paipain freeys. It’s a new adventure, a starting point of a holiday 😀

I don’t consider “food” anything that is not vegan AND gluten-free so I don’t really have temptations.

I wish I could do this. This would make my life much-much easier 😀 I wish I could hipnotise myself to unsee the food that is forbidden for me 🙂

For me, the transition to be gluten-free vegan wasn’t very difficult because I was heading out of  a serious depression when I became vegan.

Oh, I should focus on this. Now, I have serious health issues, I’m not depressed but I have huge work-related problems, it’s some kind of existential crisis for me, I’m overstressed and burnout at the same time. I need a change (but I fear the change at the same time) and I should really focus on what I can get rid of if I change my diet. If I do my diet properly.

(the answer to my question what can we eat when we our out, in a rush and no perfect shop is available)

I usually buy some gluten-free cereal bars in the nearest organic food shop, dried fruits and nuts.

I decided to test all the gluten-free cereal bars that are available. I don’t think I will find too many perfect choices because I should be sugarfree, too, but at least it’s a good task for me and while I’m testing, I get so busy that I don’t have time to worry about what to eat.

I hope my tomorrow is better than these past few days.

I hope.

I know.

I wish I could get rid of my eating disorder (becasuse it’s a disorder, I harm myself on purpose and lack will-power) and stop punishing myself with unhealthy food choices because my entrepreneurship sucks at the moment. I have been work-related problems and whenever I have a minor stress here, I compensate with eating. I should  stop this. I need to stop this. I will stop this.

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