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Food journal 18 October

I realised that I eat like crap. I eat the same food every day. Not the best quality.

My bread wasn’t gluten free and it caused a slight bloating but I guess it’s because of the soy because my boyfriend bought it on his way home and he didn’t check for soy. I ate an additional bar of chocolate (small portion, vegan) and 2 tablespoons of peanut butter. The cider… well, I started to work at 8 p.m. (after teaching several classes) and I was like “fuck diet” and I haven’t been too good at writing recently so it cannot make my writing worse 😛

These past few days were good to establish the desire to make other changes in my diet (getting rid of sugar and junk food, for example) and to recognise some trigger foods.

Food journal 17 October



diet friendly? YES (according to the new rules)

symptoms: nothing


brown rice pasta, vegetable mix, bacon + chocolate

diet friendly? YES (gluten-free and dairy-free)

Afternoon snack

something I bought on my way, bleh, I shouldn’t have… Not gluten-free, it turned out to be not dairy-free and 1000000% junk food. At least not full portion, just half.

symptoms: a bit of an excess gas but not painful bloating



diet friendly: YES

symptoms: nothing yet


Food journal 15-16 October



Bun with seeds, unhealthy salami (one day I can get rid of this, I believe), ham, tomato

diet friendly? NO, not gluten-free but dairy-free (I was proud of myself that I resisted the temptation and didn’t eat butter)

symptoms: nothing



gyros, no photo – I asked without onions and yoghurt sauce (I cannot digest raw onion and have stomach ache) + I bar of chocolate (I bought a new type of chocolate, totally dairy free – it was quite tasty).

diet friendly? NO, it contained gluten

symptoms: nothing immediately but a few hours later I had a strange feeling, as if I had bubbles and lots of water in my stomach (without drinking too much) – I think it was because of the spices and the high fat in the gyros (or that stupid cabbage)


wholemeal bun with seeds, ham, tomato

dessert: home-made sacher-like cake and apricot jam. It was terrible 😦 I did this cake last week but I burned it (I have a very bad oven) but I tried to make it this week again, in a smaller portion, I was happy, it didn’t get burnt, I was happy, until I smelled it. It smelled like spicy meat. I didn’t have margarine at home so I used vegetable oil instead (as the original recipe suggested) but it was awful. I almost cried when I tasted it, it was a huge failure again. I ate some extra chocolate after dinner just to kill my bad mood.

Post dinner – I tasted my boyfriend’s dessert that contained cream – I experienced some ab distension in about 30 minutes and a slight bloating




same as on Saturday


junk food at its finest (not). We went to the cinema and had to eat something quickly because we got into a huge traffic jam so we were late. Steak potato, chicken breast (deep fried).

diet friendly? NO – deep fried, contained gluten, no healthy ingredient but at least it was tasty AF finally

symptoms: nothing



same as Saturday but instead of the awful cake I ate chocolate. Lots of chocolate. Lots. I didn’t eat it at once so I don’t know exactly how much, but a lot, I think it was at least 70-80 g.

diet friendly? NO, dinner contained gluten and the chocolate wasn’t diary-free

symptoms: slight bloating but nothing serious

I think I should redefine my diet regulations, aims because the more I think, the more obvious that my trigger food is milk and not gluten. I should decrease the amount of gluten that’s for sure but gluten is not my main enemy.

Food Journal 14th October


Kornspitz with vegan sandwich cream (spelt – I don’t even understand why it’s in a cream, pumpkin seed) which I will never buy again (I have one more variation because it was on sale), it includes 23-25% soy. I don’t know why.

Diet-friendly? NO, it includes wheat and gluten

Symptoms: nothing



spelt pasta (coloured with spinach) and tuna + chocolate

diet-friendly? NO, it has gluten

symptoms: nothing (if you don’t count hunger because it wasn’t the biggest portion ever so I became hungry quite soon)


Afternoon snack

Kornspitz with extremely unhealthy “plastic” margarine and sugar free jam.

I really miss butter. I tried this butter substitute but I won’t eat it again. Ever again, I think. Its taste is nothing like butter’s and I could almost feel the plastic in it. Okay, I’m exaggerating but it wasn’t good.

diet-friendly? NO, it contained wheat and gluten

symptoms: nothing



Spelt pasta with pea, corn and leftover zucchini, added some oat milk and some nutritional yeast. Yummy. Okay, not very gourmet stuff but it was close to acceptable 😀

diet-friendly? NO, it contained gluten

symptoms: nothing, so far (1-hour post-dinner)



Diet goals and food journal for 13th October

Okay, if I want to be honest, I won’t be able to do a strict diet. So I (okay, we) decided to go with an acceptable level of restrictions.

My diet rules:

  • avoid dairy products (no, lactose-free dairy products or adding lactose enzyme is not acceptable)
  • avoid wheat (gluten-free is not necessary, but many gluten-free products with wheat protein are not okay)
  • decrease animal products (3-4 times a week is acceptable but the more plant-based the better)
  • avoid low-quality sausages (like today’s breakfast and dinner :S), when I eat cold cuts, it should be high-quality ham or English bacon, or bacon once in a while
  • decrease sugar
  • at least 70% complex carbs, maximum 30% simple carbs (yes, I really should start cooking and baking…)



diet compliant? NO (wheat in roll)

symptoms: nothing



diet compliant? YES (except for the chocolate but I have eaten it several times without problems)

symptoms: bloating a few hours later – I realised that I had problems with paprika and some spices of the vegetable mix. I couldn’t digest it, I could feel the taste of the vegetable mix hours after the meal. I shouldn’t eat this kind of mix. I had uncomfortable feelings after lunch so I didn’t have an afternoon snack which is unusual from me.



diet compliant? NO (wheat in bread)

symptoms: nothing

Snack: one table spoon of peanut butter in the morning as morning snack and the same after dinner


I totally freaked out

I’m still struggling with my will-power, big time, we are working on this with my therapist and from time to time (about every second day) I freak out that I’m weak, I cannot follow the diet and start hating myself for my weakness. I really want to get better and I don’t know why, but I cannot change. I don’t understand myself. Every day is a bit better then  suddenly I “binge” with the forbidden food. Not a huge amount, the problem is not with the calories or anything like that but with the quantity. Why should I torture myself with wheat products? With dairy stuff? Why? Laziness? Weakness? Do I choose the easiest way? Is it just because I’m disorganised and cannot plan my meals, my breaks when I can prepare food. I’m always in a hurry, I want to do everything quickly and proper eating needs time. And I often find myself eating stupid – but quick – unhealthy stuff.

I freaked out on Monday again. I asked for help in a facebook group. I didn’t even know what to ask, what I expect from them, I just shouted that I need help. I don’t even know why… but nowadays I feel that there are many things that I cannot do alone, I need someone’s help. For many years I was the exact opposite, I was too independent, too stupid to ask for help, very stubborn and I wanted to do everything alone. And now? I can’t do anything alone. I’m waiting for other’s help. Nutritionist, doctors’ diagnosis, friends’ support, cooking tips, everything…

I cannot do the transition from semi-unhealthy semi-meat-eater to a healthy, plant-based and gluten-free diet.

I fear the change. That’s my realisation. Fuck.

I had this freaking-out session on Monday, too.

I didn’t have questions but I got answers 🙂 I got some tips, I read some encouraging thoughts and… and even there were some half sentences that made me think.

If you can afford, go to VeganLove and get yourself a mexican burger to celebrate the change. 

I realised that one of my biggest problems is that I look at this change as a burden, as a new source of stress, although I should celebrate the change. I should celebrate the possibility for a change. That this change can bring me health, better skin and paipain freeys. It’s a new adventure, a starting point of a holiday 😀

I don’t consider “food” anything that is not vegan AND gluten-free so I don’t really have temptations.

I wish I could do this. This would make my life much-much easier 😀 I wish I could hipnotise myself to unsee the food that is forbidden for me 🙂

For me, the transition to be gluten-free vegan wasn’t very difficult because I was heading out of  a serious depression when I became vegan.

Oh, I should focus on this. Now, I have serious health issues, I’m not depressed but I have huge work-related problems, it’s some kind of existential crisis for me, I’m overstressed and burnout at the same time. I need a change (but I fear the change at the same time) and I should really focus on what I can get rid of if I change my diet. If I do my diet properly.

(the answer to my question what can we eat when we our out, in a rush and no perfect shop is available)

I usually buy some gluten-free cereal bars in the nearest organic food shop, dried fruits and nuts.

I decided to test all the gluten-free cereal bars that are available. I don’t think I will find too many perfect choices because I should be sugarfree, too, but at least it’s a good task for me and while I’m testing, I get so busy that I don’t have time to worry about what to eat.

I hope my tomorrow is better than these past few days.

I hope.

I know.

I wish I could get rid of my eating disorder (becasuse it’s a disorder, I harm myself on purpose and lack will-power) and stop punishing myself with unhealthy food choices because my entrepreneurship sucks at the moment. I have been work-related problems and whenever I have a minor stress here, I compensate with eating. I should  stop this. I need to stop this. I will stop this.